I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
