last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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