college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
