i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
