I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
