I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
