I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
