Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Randomize
