This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
