Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We talked him into tasing himself.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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