Only a mothe r could love this liver
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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