Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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