I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
