Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize