Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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