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My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
