I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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