We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
