Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
