I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
