you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
