Who did Billy Mays play for?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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