do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It all started with a game of naked twister.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
