Got a toothbrush?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
