I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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