Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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