When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
