Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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