my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
