i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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