I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
