dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
