Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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