You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
