I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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