dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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