my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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