WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
