I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
