it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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