We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Barsexuality is the new black.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
