filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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