ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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