dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
