My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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