one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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