Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
