We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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