Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
