I faked an abortion last night.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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