Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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