If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
