I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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