dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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