Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize