Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
